The Quiet Erosion

How Chronic Confusion Becomes Control

Confusion is one of the most disorienting experiences within a relationship. It creates fog where clarity once lived, and over time, it erodes confidence, boundaries, and self-trust. In relationships with covert narcissists, confusion is not accidental, it is cultivated. It becomes the quiet tool of control that keeps you questioning your own perception while reinforcing their authority.

At first, the confusion feels subtle. You question your memory after small disagreements. You wonder if you misunderstood their words or tone. When you bring it up, they assure you that you are overreacting or too sensitive. You apologise, even though your body whispers that something feels off. Slowly, your mind begins to mistrust itself, and that loss of inner certainty gives the covert narcissist power.

This erosion does not happen overnight. It happens through hundreds of moments where reality is slightly bent, where truth becomes negotiable, and where your intuition is quietly dismissed. Understanding how this form of control operates helps you begin to reclaim the clarity that was always yours.

Why the Covert Narcissist Creates Confusion

The covert narcissist seeks emotional control without appearing controlling. They accomplish this by blurring reality in ways that are subtle enough to go unnoticed but powerful enough to destabilise. Their goal is not open conflict; it is dominance disguised as dialogue.

They use contradictions to keep you guessing. They may praise you one moment and criticise you the next, leaving you unsure which version of them is real. They might agree with you privately but oppose you publicly, or express affection after moments of cruelty. This inconsistency is deliberate. It keeps you emotionally off-balance, always striving to restore harmony.

When you try to clarify or confront, they often respond with charm, humour, or intellectual reasoning. They might say, “I never said that,” or “You always take things the wrong way.” Because their tone is calm, you begin to doubt your perception. The confusion deepens, and your sense of certainty fades.

This pattern serves the covert narcissist’s need for control. If you cannot trust what you see or feel, you will rely on their version of reality. Over time, your intuition becomes muted, your truth becomes negotiable, and your dependence strengthens.

The Nervous System Impact of Chronic Confusion

When the mind is constantly uncertain, the body cannot rest. Confusion keeps the nervous system in a state of tension and vigilance. You might feel anxious, restless, or numb, yet unable to identify why. The nervous system interprets inconsistency as a threat because it signals unpredictability, a danger to emotional safety.

Over time, your body learns to anticipate rather than relax. You monitor their tone, their silence, their sighs, and even their absence. This is the survival state of hypervigilance. The body tries to keep you safe by predicting danger, but this state of readiness becomes exhausting.

Eventually, when attempts to gain clarity repeatedly fail, the body may enter a state of collapse. You stop questioning. You stop reacting. You accept confusion as normal. This is the freeze response, the body’s way of protecting itself from further overwhelm. The cost is profound disconnection from your intuition and your sense of truth.

Recognising this pattern helps bring compassion to your body’s wisdom. It did not fail you; it adapted. The confusion was not your creation; it was your body’s response to emotional manipulation.

The Emotional Message Behind Confusion

Every act of confusion carries an emotional message: “You cannot trust yourself.” The covert narcissist uses this message to maintain dominance without confrontation. The less you trust your perceptions, the more you rely on theirs. Over time, this dynamic becomes internalised. You begin to silence your intuition before they do.

You might catch yourself thinking, “Maybe I am too sensitive,” or “Perhaps I misunderstood.” This internalised doubt is the quietest form of control because it no longer requires their presence to sustain it. The relationship becomes self-policing—you censor yourself to maintain peace.

The covert narcissist benefits from this because it allows them to avoid accountability. If you question them, they reframe the situation to make you appear irrational. If you withdraw, they use concern or pity to draw you back in. The cycle continues, and confusion becomes the anchor that keeps you tethered.

The truth is that confusion was never about your inability to perceive; it was about their intention to obscure.

Trauma-Informed Ways to Respond and Regulate

Healing from chronic confusion requires rebuilding a relationship with your own truth and learning to feel safe within clarity.

1. Name what is happening.
Say to yourself, “I am experiencing confusion because my reality is being distorted.” Naming this shifts blame from self-doubt to awareness.

2. Slow down before reacting.
When you feel confused, pause before explaining or apologising. Take a breath, feel your body, and let clarity emerge gradually rather than forcing understanding.

3. Anchor in sensory awareness.
Notice what you see, hear, and feel in real time. Simple statements such as “I feel tension in my chest” or “The room is quiet” reconnect you to the present moment, where truth lives.

4. Keep a written record of experiences.
When confusion sets in, written reflection can anchor reality. Reading your own words later helps you recognise consistency in your experience.

5. Ground through physical regulation.
Walk outside, stretch, or place your hand over your heart. These small acts signal to your nervous system that you are safe to feel and secure to know.

6. Seek safe reflection.
Share your experiences with people who listen without judgment or correction. Validation from safe others helps restore trust in your perceptions.

7. Engage in parts work or trauma-informed therapy.
Therapeutic approaches that honour both the mind and the body can help you reconnect to your intuition and strengthen the Self that holds clarity.

A Final Reflection

Confusion is not a sign of weakness. It is evidence that you were trying to make sense of something intentionally made senseless. You were not imagining the contradictions; you were enduring them.

Healing does not mean understanding the narcissist; it means returning to your own understanding. Each time you choose stillness over self-doubt, truth begins to surface. You start to feel again what is right, what is real, and what is yours.

True love does not leave you questioning your perception. It invites clarity, not chaos. It nurtures honesty, not distortion. As you reclaim trust in your inner knowing, the fog begins to lift, and you remember that clarity was never lost; it was only covered by confusion that was never yours to carry.

IFS-Informed Journal Prompts: Reclaiming Clarity and Inner Knowing

1. When I recall moments of confusion in this relationship, which parts of me were most affected?

2. Is there a part of me that still questions my perception or memory? What does that part need to feel safe again?

3. How does my body feel when I think of truth, light, steady, tense, or uncertain? Can I breathe with whatever arises?

4. What does my Self, the calm, compassionate awareness within, want to tell the parts that were silenced or doubted?

5. How can I begin creating daily moments of clarity that remind my system that it is safe to know what is true?

These reflections invite you to turn confusion into curiosity and curiosity into clarity. Healing happens each time you choose to trust your own awareness. When you meet the parts of you that once doubted, you begin to see that your truth was never gone. It was simply waiting to be believed again.